Playbooks/The Ask

“If you do not ask, the answer is no.”

“Have the courage to ask. Do not be selfish with what you have to share.”

The Ask

The Words That Make Referrals Easy

A friend once shared this story with me, and it changed how I think about asking for referrals.

He saw a guy in a restaurant eating a whole pizza by himself. Not that my friend was looking for a slice, but he was in a playful mood, so he sat down next to him and started chatting.

Turns out the guy had made the pizza from scratch. My friend asked him about it. The man lit up.

“I grow the tomatoes in my garden. Best soil. I care for them like they are my children. I turn them into a sauce that takes hours to make.”

“That is a lot of work just for a pizza,” my friend said.

“That is not all. I make the flour from scratch from a family recipe passed down for generations. And I only use specific water that I have flown in to get the dough perfect.”

By now my friend was very curious to try this pizza.

“And the cheese is my favorite part. I use sheep’s milk from sheep grazing only on land raised in a healthy environment. The cheese takes days to make. It is the best cheese you will ever taste.”

My friend was now desperate to try a slice. But he did not feel comfortable asking. So he kept talking. They talked about family, life, the pizza. The man kept eating, slice by slice.

Three slices left.

My friend was sitting there, hoping the man would offer. The man did not.

Two slices left.

Still hoping.

One slice.

The man finished, smiled, and said, “Thanks for the conversation. Enjoy your day.” He packed up his last slice and walked out.

My friend never got to try it.

Two morals from that story.

If you have something you are proud of, something you believe genuinely helps people, it is selfish not to share it. The man with the pizza spent hours making something incredible and then walked out with leftovers because he never thought to offer.

And if you sit there waiting for someone to offer you something instead of asking for it, you might never get it.

Your business is the pizza. Your customers are sitting at the table. Some of them have friends who would love a slice. You will never know unless you ask. They will never know unless you offer.

The Ask is how you do both at once. Share something you are proud of. Help your customer help their friends. Stop walking out with leftovers.

The Simple Ask

Five lines. In order. Memorized cold. This is the foundation.

Line 1: The Setup

“You are someone I love working with and value our relationship. Can I run something by you?”

Three jobs in one sentence. You recognize them as a person. You acknowledge the relationship. You ask permission to ask. “Can I run something by you?” is not the ask. It is asking if you can ask. That lowers the guard before anything is on the table.

Lines 2 & 3: What You Do and the Goal

“We help [your customer type] do [outcome] so they can [experience benefits].”

“We are looking to get introduced to 200 to 300 people. Just kidding. Just 10 to 15 in the next 90 days. Not looking for buyers, just people who might have a conversation with me.”

Line 2 has to be concrete. Specific customer type. Specific outcome. Specific transformation. Not what you do. What they get from working with you.

Line 3 is the wink. The “200 to 300, just kidding, just 10 to 15” line gets a laugh almost every time. The laugh disarms the formality and resets expectations. Plus the phrase “not looking for buyers, just people who might have a conversation with me” removes the pressure for them to vouch for the friend’s interest.

Lines 4 & 5: The Specific Ask and the Close

“What would be most helpful is if you could introduce me to 2 or 3 people who [your ideal customer description].”

“Who comes to mind for you?”

Line 4 has to be specific. Vague asks get vague responses. Specific asks trigger specific memories. Tell them exactly who you are looking for and their brain goes to work.

Line 5 is the close. It is a question, not a statement. “Who comes to mind for you?” activates their mental contact list. Names surface.

Then stop talking. The silence is the close. Most people break the silence by talking again. Do not. Let them think. The first person who talks loses. Hold the pause.

The Stump Speech in Practice

The Simple Ask is the same structure for every business. The fill-ins change. Below is what it sounds like for four different industries.

B2B Sales Process Company

“We help home service business owners improve sales conversions so they stop wasting marketing dollars and start building real client relationships. We are looking to install our Cold-to-Close framework into 15 high-ticket home service companies during the next 9 months. What would be most helpful is if you could think of 200 to 300, just kidding, just 2 or 3 owners in the high-ticket home service space that I can have a conversation with. I will do an audit of their sales process at no cost and we will see where it goes.”

Home Services (Window Cleaning)

“We help homeowners have clean windows so they are not embarrassed when guests come over. We are looking to expand our services into surrounding areas of West Palm Beach and help 25 new homeowners in the next 25 days. What would be most helpful is if you could think of 200 to 300, just kidding, just 5 to 10 homeowners in West Palm Beach who might benefit from clean windows and exterior. I will give them a free quote.”

Referral Consultancy (WARM Method)

“We help high-ticket service providers generate warm referrals so they can improve sales conversions and extend client lifetime value. We are looking to create an entire warm referral program for 10 companies during the next 120 days. What would be most helpful is if you could brainstorm 200 to 300, just kidding, just 4 or 5 decision makers at companies that might want to explore a warm referral method to lower their CAC and increase their LTV.”

Executive Community (COO Alliance)

“We help COOs and seconds in command find community with like-minded professionals so they can get off the lonely island and create real personal and professional growth. We are looking to add 60 new members to our community from warm introductions in the next 60 days. What would be most helpful is if you could make an introduction to 200 to 300, just kidding, just 3 or 4 people who are seconds in command at their company, or who might connect us to one. Not necessarily looking to join, just open to a quick conversation. And if it is not for them, who knows who they know. They might have another 3 or 4 introductions to make.”

Same structure. Four different worlds. The script bends to the customer’s reality without breaking.

The Mental Search Jog

Most people, when you ask them “who comes to mind,” draw a blank. The mental search jog gives them an organizing prompt. Pick the one that fits your audience.

The 3-from-each

Consumer / personal network

Used by Art of Drawers when asking a homeowner at the end of an in-home appointment.

“Most people think of three from each. Three from family. Three from work. Three from church or the neighborhood. Three from any group you are part of: golf, gym, book club, gardening.”

Twelve mental buckets. The customer rarely fills them all, but the categories prompt names that would otherwise stay hidden.

The 2-2-2

Executive / CEO

Used when asking a CEO for introductions to other CEOs and their operators.

“Most CEOs land on six introductions in three buckets. Two from organized peer groups. YPO, EO, Vistage, Strategic Coach. Two from your business ecosystem. Customers, suppliers, partners who run strong companies. Two from your social or entrepreneurial circles. Golf club, restaurants you frequent, entrepreneurs you know personally.”

The buckets reflect a CEO’s actual life. The framework signals you understand their world.

The 3-6-9

Executive / general

A broader range when you do not know yet which bucket the person will land in.

“Some people land at three. Some reach nine. Most land in the middle at six. Do not worry about the number. Just think about who might be in a similar situation.”

Less prescriptive, useful when you do not know your customer’s network shape yet.

Humans at Companies

Role-specific offers

The key insight Cameron Herold shared with us for the COO Alliance.

“You are not introducing me to a COO. You are introducing me to a human at a company. A friend, a partner, a supplier, a customer, your lawyer, your accountant, your advisor. We find the right person from there.”

Unlocks the customer’s network when they were searching for the wrong job title and coming up empty.

Pick the search jog that fits your audience. Build your own if none of these match. The principle is universal: tell their brain how to search.

The Universal Opener

Sometimes the ask is not at the end of a meeting. It is the start of a conversation that has not happened yet. You need to get someone on the phone or in a thread first.

Hey [Name], hope you are well. I wanted to see if you can help me with something I am working on. Can I call you, or would you rather I text or send you a voice memo?

It opens any door. Friend, customer, dormant lead, someone you have not talked to in a year.

“Help me with something” triggers reciprocity. People are wired to help. You are not asking for a sale. You are asking for their time.

“How would you prefer” shows respect for how they communicate. Almost everyone responds because you have made it easy to.

Once they reply with a channel preference, you set up the real conversation. The Pre-Frame goes at the top. The Ask goes at the end.

The Reciprocity Move

Before you ask anyone for an introduction, ask if you can make one for them.

“By the way, I interact with a lot of people. Who is someone you would like to be introduced to? Could be a potential partner, a potential client, a specific type of team member you are trying to hire. If I come across someone who fits, I would love to make that introduction.”

This is an advanced move. It does two things.

First, it tells the other person you are not extractive. You are someone who looks for opportunities to give. That instantly raises trust.

Second, it activates a pattern in their head. They start thinking about their own network differently. By the time you make your own ask a few minutes later, their brain is already in connector mode.

You do not need to deliver on every reciprocity ask. You just need to mean it when you offer. People can tell.

Building the Yes-Frame

Before the ask, the customer has to be in a yes state. If they are unhappy, ambivalent, distracted, or hurried, the ask falls flat no matter how good the script is.

The yes-frame is built with momentum questions. A short sequence of closed-ended questions where the answer is obviously yes. Each yes builds psychological agreement and makes the bigger yes easier to give.

The EIG Sequence

Art of Drawers uses this three-question sequence at the end of every appointment.

E
Enjoy:“Did you enjoy the appointment today?”
I
Investment:“Did I show you how this is a good investment for your home?”
G
Goal:“Do you remember at the beginning when I mentioned my goal of helping 30 families a month?”

Three yes-answers in 30 seconds. Each one earns the right to ask the next thing. Then the callback to the Pre-Frame:

“This is my favorite part. The best way for families to learn about us is friends telling friends.”

The ask follows naturally because the room is already saying yes.

The yes-frame is not manipulation. It is checking in. If the customer says no to any of the three questions, you do not ask for referrals. You ask why and you fix the problem. The yes-frame is a diagnostic, not a setup.

The Adapted Asks: Two Real-World Scripts

The Simple Ask is the foundation. In practice, businesses adapt the structure to their context.

Consumer / In-Home: Art of Drawers

Used at the end of a free in-home consultation.

1. Yes-frame (EIG)

  • •“Did you enjoy the appointment today?”
  • •“Did I show you how this is a good investment for your home?”
  • •“Do you remember my goal I mentioned in the beginning about meeting 30 families each month?”

2. The callback

“This is my favorite part.”

3. The reframe

  • •“The best way for families to learn about me is friends telling friends.”
  • •“Not necessarily people who would buy. Just people nice enough to take a look and have me over.”
  • •“Just like I did with you today.”

4. The Share Program

  • •Every 3 introductions equals one white envelope.
  • •There are 5 envelopes, each with a fun prize. Gift card, cash, lotto tickets, and one has a surprise Art of Drawers gift.
  • •Fill up the sheet and you are guaranteed the surprise gift.

5. The mental search jog (3-from-each)

  • •Three family members.
  • •Three friends from work.
  • •Three friends from church or the neighborhood.
  • •Three friends from any group: golf, gym, book club, gardening.

6. The handoff

  • •“Here is a pen and paper. Put down as many as you can. Even 5 to 10 would be meaningful.”
  • •“Thanks so much. I really appreciate your help.”

7. The room move

“Can I use your bathroom?”

The bathroom move is genius. It gives the customer privacy to write down names without the rep hovering. Step away. Give them space. Let them write.

Executive / B2B Community: COO Alliance

Used at the end of a member check-in call with an existing member.

1. Emotional anchor

“You and I both know how isolating this role can be. You cannot vent down. You rarely vent up. And the feedback we consistently hear is: ‘I did not realize how much I needed this until I found it.’”

2. Story insert (low pressure)

“Recently, a few members introduced us to people in their ecosystem. A vendor, a customer, a CPA who supports multiple strong companies. They were not even sure where it would go. They just said, ‘You two should know each other.’ What surprised them was that simply making the introduction strengthened their own relationship. The response they kept hearing was, ‘Thanks for thinking of me. I will check it out.’”

“That is really all we are looking for. Thoughtful introductions. No pressure. Just conversations. There are strong seconds in command out there right now who do not even realize a space like this exists.”

3. Ecosystem mapping

“Out of curiosity, before joining, where did you typically connect with other seconds in command? In your world: partners, suppliers, customers, advisors. Where are the strongest companies you interact with?”

4. The ask

“Who comes to mind? Friends of yours that have jobs at great companies who might simply be open to a conversation? You are not introducing us to COOs. You are introducing us to humans at companies. Partners, suppliers, customers, people at your law firm, your accounting firm. We find the COO from there. Even 2 or 3 introductions like that go a long way.”

5. Handle the response

  • •If yes: “Amazing. Would it be easiest to make the introduction over email while we are here? I can drop a short template in the chat to make it simple.”
  • •If “let me think about it”: “Totally fair. Who are the first one or two that come to mind instinctively?”

6. Affirmation

“This is exactly how the strongest executive communities have grown. Peer to peer. It keeps the room high quality.”

Both scripts adapt the Simple Ask to their context. The principles are identical. The choreography fits the room.

The Heads-Up Text

The moment names are given, you make the introduction warm. Not later. Now. Send a heads-up text to the friend right away, while you are still with the connector.

Hey [Name], quick heads up. I am with [your name] from [your company] right now. They help [customer type] get [outcome]. I thought of you. It is worth a 10-minute conversation. They might reach out shortly.

Why timing matters: the longer the gap between the connector saying a name and the friend hearing about it, the colder the introduction. Get the heads-up out while the connector is still in the room. Momentum is fragile.

Why this works: it is warm. It is personal. It comes from someone the friend already trusts. That is not a cold call. That is a friend giving a heads up. The conversion rates are completely different.

The “If I _, could you _?” Move

Once the connector is on board and has thought of names, lock in the commitment with a soft pivot to immediate action.

“If I sent you a template right now, would you mind using that to make the introduction?”
“If I sent you a simple form to put their first name and contact info on, can you do that real quick?”
“If I sent you a text, would you forward it to them to give them a heads up that I might reach out?”
“Again, these are not people who are 100% interested. These are just introductions. I really appreciate your willingness.”

That sentence releases the connector from feeling like they need to vouch. They are not promising the friend will buy. They are just making an introduction. The pressure drops and the names come.

Should You Pay for Referrals?

This is the question almost every business owner asks once they decide to take referrals seriously. The answer is more nuanced than yes or no.

Most people freeze on incentives because it feels like bribery. It is not. A bribe is paid in advance to manipulate behavior. An incentive is recognition delivered after the fact for help you actually received. The difference is timing and spirit.

There is one reframe that defuses the ick completely. Every dollar you pay in an incentive is a dollar you did not have to spend on paid acquisition. You are not bribing your customers. You are redirecting your marketing budget toward the people who already love you.

The Three Layers of an Incentive Structure

Layer 1

The Intro Maker

Recognition for each introduction made. Low value. Repeatable. The goal is to get people in the habit of giving names. Examples: entries into a monthly drawing, a thank-you note, points on a leaderboard.

Layer 2

The Conversion Bonus

A larger reward when an introduction actually becomes a paying customer. This is the real money. Examples: a flat cash bonus per signup, a discount on future services, a percentage of the first contract value.

Layer 3

The Friend’s Welcome Gift

A discount or gift extended to the new customer when they sign up. This makes the connector feel like they did their friend a real favor, not just delivered a sales lead.

Choosing Your Layers

Use all three layers when:

  • •The customer purchase has a clear price point
  • •The friend’s discount is meaningful relative to your offer
  • •You can deliver the rewards consistently without operational strain

Use only layer 2 when:

  • •Your offer is high-trust and high-ticket
  • •Incentivizing the act of introducing would cheapen the relationship
  • •The connector is motivated by relational value, not financial reward

Use no incentive at all when:

  • •You serve an executive or peer community where money cheapens the dynamic
  • •Your customer base would feel insulted by a paid bonus
  • •The introduction itself is the reward (status, access, mission alignment)

Watch-Outs

The incentive is bigger than the relationship can carry. A $1,000 bonus for a referral signals desperation. Keep the incentive proportionate to your offer and your relationship.

The incentive becomes the only reason someone refers. When the connector is referring because of the money, the friend can tell. The introduction feels transactional.

You cannot deliver consistently. Promising rewards you cannot fulfill is worse than offering nothing. Make the rewards real, immediate, and consistent.

You incentivize too early.If you offer a bonus the moment someone signs up, the message is “we want you to start selling for us before you have experienced what we do.” Wait until the customer has had a real experience first.

Six Common Mistakes With the Ask

Six failure modes we see in companies of every size and industry.

1

Asking Before Earning the Right

The ask requires rapport. If you ask a customer who barely knows you, the answer is “let me think about it” and the names never come. Earn the relationship first.

2

Asking When the Customer Is Unhappy

If they had a bad experience or are not yet sold on the value, do not ask. The yes-frame failed. The ask fails too. Fix the experience first.

3

Skipping the Yes-Frame

Diving straight into the ask without building agreement first. The momentum questions only take 30 seconds. Skipping them is the difference between an ask that lands and one that feels abrupt.

4

Going Vague on the Description

“Anyone who might be interested” gets you nothing. “A homeowner in West Palm Beach who has been thinking about cleaning their windows for years but never gets around to it” gets you a name. Be specific.

5

Breaking the Silence

The biggest mistake. You say “Who comes to mind?” and then immediately fill the silence. Stop. Let them think. The silence is doing the work. The first person who talks loses.

6

Not Following Up

You got the names. You did not send the heads-up text. You did not call the friend that week. The introduction goes cold. The connector stops introducing because they cannot tell if their help is used.

Read these and your team will see itself in at least two. Most see themselves in four.

Your Next Move

Before You Click to the Next Playbook

Write your own version of the Simple Ask for your business. Use this fill-in template.

Line 1: “You are someone I love working with and value our relationship. Can I run something by you?”

Line 2: “We help [YOUR CUSTOMER TYPE] do [YOUR OUTCOME] so they can [YOUR BENEFIT / TRANSFORMATION].”

Line 3: “We are looking to get introduced to 200 to 300 people. Just kidding. Just 10 to 15 in the next 90 days. Not looking for buyers, just people who might have a conversation with me.”

Line 4: “What would be most helpful is if you could introduce me to 2 or 3 people who [YOUR IDEAL CUSTOMER DESCRIPTION].”

Line 5: “Who comes to mind for you?”

Write it. Read it out loud. Time yourself. The whole ask should be 60 to 90 seconds.

Then practice it three times. With a colleague. With a friend. Into a voice memo. Get the rhythm into your mouth so it sounds like you when the moment comes.

Bring your finished script with you to the next playbook. The Flywheelis about what happens after the ask. Tracking. Thank you bonuses. The first 30 days of the new customer’s experience. The system that turns one ask into a compounding channel.

Want to see how we install the full Ask system across your client-facing team? Book a discovery call.

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